A Very Special Angel
by Dachelle
Summary: Angel is hiding a secret. Can his friends find out in time to help him overcome his problem? Set in S5.


A Very Special Angel - Angel. Can't. Read!  
  
We open in the Wolfram & Hart building. Angel is in the hallway outside his office. He opens a door and goes in. We hear high-pitched feminine screams. Angel quickly dashes out, running into Wes and Fred.  
  
Angel: "Oh, hey, guys. I was just, um, checking out the facilities. You know, seeing if the cleaning crew is doing their jobs. A C.E.O. has to be on top of everything!" Angel chuckles.  
  
Wes: "Angel, the men's restroom is at the other end of the hallway to the left."  
  
Angel: "Oh, right, thanks." Angel walks briskly past them down the hall. Fred and Wes watch him, and begin talking.  
  
Fred: "Angel is acting so strangely these days. It's almost as if he's feeling guilty over something, something big like having a son, killing him, and then wiping our memories of the entire thing." Fred pauses for a moment. "Oh, but that would never happen. Silly me and my silly imagination!" Fred giggles and flips her hair coquettishly.  
  
Wes: "Yes, indeed." Fred looks disappointed at Wes's dismissal of her theory. "No, I think it's something far more sinister."  
  
Fred: "What? You think Angelus is back? Well, Angel did send his leather pants out for cleaning the other day." Gunn strides up to join them, wearing shiny pants, a Lakers jersey, chains, and a bandanna. Lorne follows, martini glass in hand.  
  
Gunn: "Yo, if Angelus is back, I'll pop a cap in his ass. Well, his heart."  
  
Lorne: (laughing) "Funny story, sweetie bears - my heart actually is in my ass! You know, I was talking to Amanda Bynes - lovely girl, you wouldn't suspect the surgery at all - and she asked me, Lorne, my style guru - because that's what she calls me - how do you ever find hats, and I. HA HA HA HA HA!" Lorne falls over the side railing.  
  
Wes: "Yes. Well. I've begun to suspect that Angel, in fact, can't read."  
  
Fred: "He can't read? Oh my god! I've ridden in a car with him! I could have been killed!"  
  
Wes: "That would have been unfortunate. Obviously, Angel's become an expert at hiding his disability over the centuries, but if my theory is correct, we must get him the help he so desperately needs, even if he resists."  
  
Gunn: "I'm all up in that shit."  
  
Fred: "Count me in. Your plan won't work without my geeky girlish charms anyway."  
  
Lorne: (hanging off the railing, martini glass in hand) "You know, sea monkeys, this reminds me of the time that Shirley MacLaine and I were in rehab together, and I. HA HA HA HA HA!" Lorne loses his grip and falls into the lobby. The others briefly observe his fall. Angel walks by them from the direction of the men's restroom, walks in his office, and closes the door.  
  
Wes: "We've got to confront him now."  
  
Gunn: "Word up, G!"  
  
Fred: "Why are you talking like that?"  
  
Gunn: "Oh, that procedure the doctor-types did on me to make me a lawyer- type went all wiggity-whack, and tech support is being a be-atch and says I can't get juiced again until Wednesday. I even threatened to pop a cap in their asses, yo, and they still be dissin'!"  
  
Wes: "Right. Let's go." Wes and the gang burst into Angel's office without knocking, as per usual.  
  
Angel: (flipping through a stack of reports) "Hey, guys. What's going on? Is there a demon for me to kill? Because I can do that. I mean, obviously I'm busy with this." Angel pretends to read a piece of paper. ".important C.E.O. stuff." Angel signs a random document. ".but I can definitely help with the demon killing."  
  
Wes: (walking over to Angel's desk and picking up the paper Angel signed) "Angel, these are the instructions for operating your microwave."  
  
Angel: (laughing) "Wes, Wes, Wes.I knew that. I was just signing them for, uh, for the warranty."  
  
Wes: "Really? And what does the warranty say, Angel?"  
  
Angel: "I don't think that's important right now. After all, we've got a demon to kill, right Gunn?"  
  
Gunn: (menacingly) "Answer Whitey's question, bitch."  
  
Angel: "Right, O.K." Angel picks up the paper. "It says, um, it says."  
  
Wes: "Angel."  
  
Angel: (squinting) "Right here, it says."  
  
Wes: (more insistently) "Angel."  
  
Angel: (annoyed) "What, Wesley?"  
  
Wes: "The paper is upside down. You can't read it, can you?"  
  
Angel: "No, Wesley, that's silly, of course I can."  
  
Wes: (like a stern parent) "Angel."  
  
Angel: (yelling) "All right, I confess! I. Can't. Read!" He sobs.  
  
Spike: (wandering in through a side wall) "Ha! Nancy boy can't read!"  
  
Buffy: (bouncing into the office) "Angel - my cookies are warm and delicious and waiting for.... Hey, what's going on?"  
  
Spike: (gleeful) "Angel can't read!"  
  
Harmony: (entering the office and pointing at Buffy) "What is she doing here?" Harmony pauses, realization dawning on her. "Oh, you're here to get Blondie Bear back, aren't you? Well, fine, you can have him!" Harmony runs out, sobbing.  
  
Angel: (ignoring the Harmony drama) "I can't read because I'm not worthy! I've killed so many people! If only I'd kept one of them alive, so that they would teach me to read!!!!" Angel breaks down in tears.  
  
Buffy: "I can't possibly be with someone who can't even read."  
  
Spike: (raises hand) "I can read."  
  
Gunn: "Yo, dog, that ain't right. Don't be dissin' Angel just cause his teachers were whack!"  
  
Fred: (in a huff) "Why isn't this conversation about me and how smart and sexy and wonderful I am? If you people don't start talking about me soon I'm leaving!"  
  
Lorne: (staggering into the office, bruised and disheveled, but with a new martini glass) "You know, butt pirates, I remember this one time, when I was on the set with Angela Bassett, and she had the biggest water balloon, and I was in these clown pants, and... HA HA HA HA HA!" Lorne falls over a lamp. Eve walks in, glancing briefly at the giggling demon.  
  
Eve: "Angel, I -" Knox walks in and strangles her.  
  
Knox: "See, I'm not evil after all! Now, let's all get together and think of a way to solve Angel's problem."  
  
Fred: (hanging on Knox like Olive Oyl on Popeye) "Oh, Knoxy. The way you killed Eve was so hot. Want to make out?"  
  
Knox: (gently pushing Fred away) "Erm, no, I don't think so. Funny story - I've discovered there are other women in Los Angeles."  
  
Fred: (hopeful) "Gunn?"  
  
Gunn: "No way, shorty. I already tapped that ass and fo'shizzled that nizzle. I ain't goin' for that shit again."  
  
Fred: (disconcerted) "Ohkaayyy....Wes?"  
  
Wes: "Only if you agree to live in my closet and pee in a bucket." Wes pauses a moment. "That's an odd fetish to have. I wonder where I..."  
  
Fred: (on top of Wes's line) "O.K.! Yes, I'll do it!" Fred and Wes make out.  
  
Angel: "People, I think we're all missing the point here. Which is that I. Can't. Read!"  
  
Spike: "Yes - Nancy boy can't read!"  
  
Angel: (annoyed) "You already said that, Spike."  
  
Spike: (confused) "Did I? I must be slipping with my zingy one-liners this week. Damn you, Pavayne!"  
  
Lorne: (picking himself off the floor and stumbling over to console Angel) "You know, tart 'n tangy, this reminds me of the time that Lou Gossett Jr. and I. HA HA HA HA HA!" Lorne falls backwards over Angel's desk.  
  
Knox: (snapping his fingers) "That's it! Louis Gossett Jr. runs an inner city youth center here in L.A. Wolfram and Hart used to use it as a recruiting ground for assassins. But, you know, it has non-evil purposes, too. I'm sure he could help Angel."  
  
Angel: (waving Knox away) "No, I could never ask for help. It's too embarrassing. I've lived over 200 years without knowing how to read. What's 200 more?"  
  
Buffy: "Angel, if you don't learn how to read, we'll never have sex again."  
  
Wes: (pulling away from Fred's embrace) "I fail to see how that's a bad thing, considering the last time you two had sex Angel turned evil and you had to kill him."  
  
Spike: (pointing to Wes) "Hey, did I ever mention that Percy here was once Head Boy?"  
  
Everyone else: "YES!"  
  
Knox: "Angel, I haven't always been thrilled about having you as my C.E.O. But I think you have important work to do. Granted, I don't know what that work is yet, but I'm sure there must be something you're good at. And this illiteracy thing - that's an obstacle in your path, a fork in the road, and you have to pick up that fork and stab it in the steak dinner of life!"  
  
Buffy: "Plus there's the whole not-having-sex with me thing."  
  
Angel: "You're right. Our mission has always been to help the helpless, but I've ignored the possibility that the most helpless one of all might be me. Take me to Louis Gossett Jr.!"  
  
Blipvert - the gang in a car heading through the streets of L.A. to Louis Gossett Jr.'s All-Night Inner City Youth Center and Burger Hut.  
  
Louis Gossett Jr.: (meeting them at the door) "Hello." (shaking Angel's hand) "You must be Angel. I'm Louis Gossett Jr."  
  
Lorne: "Lou, angel farts, how have you been? Remember the time that we HA HA HA HA HA!" Lorne falls into a fry vat.  
  
Wes: "We were hoping that you might be able to teach Angel to read. Unfortunately, the set-up went a little long, so we've only got time for a montage. Can you do that?"  
  
Louis Gossett Jr.: "Who do you think you're talking to? Didn't you see Iron Eagle 3?"  
  
Wes: "Sorry, no."  
  
Louis Gossett Jr. : "That's O.K., neither did I. Come on, Angel, let's get you reading!"  
  
Montage - Louis Gossett Jr. over Angel's shoulder as Angel sounds out words. Louis Gossett Jr. moving Angel's hand over the letters. Louis Gossett Jr. with a vampire sock puppet reading a book. Angel laughing and clapping his hands in glee. Angel trying to read, and failing. Angel breaking down in tears. Angel blindfolded and holding an apple. Angel calling it an orange. Angel angrily ripping off the blindfold, putting on vampface, and beating Louis Gossett Jr. A bloodied Louis Gossett Jr. re- blindfolding Angel and putting the apple back in his hand. Angel correctly identifying the apple, and then taking off the blindfold and embracing Louis Gossett Jr. as uplifting music plays. The gang cheering.  
  
Angel: "I don't think I'll ever be able to thank you for what you've done, Louis Gossett Jr."  
  
Louis Gossett Jr.: (being taken out of the center on a hospital gurney) "Paying for my medical bills might be a start."  
  
Angel: (as Louis Gossett Jr. is being loaded into the ambulance) "That's what I love about you, Louis Gossett Jr. Your great sense of humor."  
  
Wes: (putting his hand on Angel's shoulder) "Let's get back to the office, Angel. I have something for you to read."  
  
Angel: "Is it the microwave instructions? Because I've been drinking cold blood for weeks now."  
  
Wes: "No. It's something even more important."  
  
Blipvert - the Wolfram & Hart building.  
  
Angel is at his desk, a large book in his hands. The rest of the group is gathered around, watching and listening.  
  
Wes: (comforting) "Don't be nervous. Just sound out the words like Louis Gossett Jr. taught you."  
  
Angel: (concentrating mightily on the book) "Ah.ah.ah..The!" Everyone cheers. "The.vampike, no, wait, the vampire with a coal.no soul - The vampire with a soul will shanshu!"  
  
Wes: (in Henry Higgins mode) "By Jove, he's got it!"  
  
Angel: (continuing) "That vampire isn't Angel, because he's bloody stupid and his hair sticks straight up. Also, when Willow re-ensouled him, she didn't put in that bit about getting a happy so Angel can have lots of sex without losing his soul and going evil and forcing people to stake him. Cross my heart and hope to be dragged to hell by Pavayne. P.S. this wasn't written by Spike."  
  
Wes: "Hmmm.that prophecy sounds a bit different than the first time I read it."  
  
Spike: (whistling nonchalantly) "I wouldn't know anything about that."  
  
Buffy: "Oh, Angel, I'm so proud of you!"  
  
Angel: "I discovered something very important this episode, Buffy. There ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley wide enough, ain't no river deep enough, to keep me away from you, babe. My illiteracy was that river, and your love was the raft that brought me to the shore of reading."  
  
Buffy: (confused) "But...Angel...I thought vampires couldn't like Motown?"  
  
Angel: "It's true. When I was soulless and illiterate, I hated Motown. But now I have a soul, and I can read, and I love Motown, and I love you!"  
  
Buffy: "Oh, Angel!" Buffy runs to Angel and leaps into his arms. "Toss my cookies!" They begin making out, with much macking and slurping.  
  
Spike: "I'm bloody doin' it for both of you!" Spike runs from the room, holding his stomach.  
  
Fred: (rolling her eyes) "Well, that was certainly..."  
  
Wes: (sharply) "Did I say you could speak?"  
  
Fred: (sheepishly) "No, sir."  
  
Wes: "That's it. You lose your bucket privileges for the week."  
  
Fred: (quietly) "Thank you, sir." Fred and Wes exit the office.  
  
Lorne: (fry oil dripping from his horns) "HA HA HA Judi Dench! HA HA HA!" Lorne laughs uncontrollably and crashes through Angel's office window. Gunn shakes his head in disgust and turns to walk out.  
  
Gunn: "Man, yo, this episode was twelve kinds of whack, dog."  
  
Knox: (walking with Gunn) "How long are you going to talk like this? You sound like a bad episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."  
  
Gunn: "Yo, I don't know, but if they don't change me back like yesterday I'm gonna pop a cap in my own ass."  
  
Knox: "Word up, G. Word up."  
  
The end. 


End file.
